My heart has been breaking over and over today. But not because I'm experiencing some great pain, but because my precious Bug is.
It's the first full day of our new life in Vancouver. New nanny, new apartment, new routine.
And it's been so very hard on the Bug. You see, at 3, she doesn't quite understand that this is our new home. She calls it our "house-hotel" because we're in a condo high-rise for the summer. She has told me umpteen times today that she "misses home" and that she wants to go home.
How do you tell a 3 year old that this is now home?
She misses her old nanny and her friends. She wants to go to our neighbor's house.
How do you tell her that they're not our neighbors anymore?
She walks around this smaller space, seeking places and homes for her dolls but confused about the incompleteness of her collection (we forgot to pack Doc McStuffins' "docmobile" and Lambie so Doc remains a unplayed with cast off because one cannot play with Doc without her sidekicks).
And so I wonder, how many times can the heart break for your child?
Because while she's had some champion meltdowns, mostly she's trying valiantly. She's been game when the new nanny has suggested an activity. She has gone along and gotten excited about going on walks in our new neighborhood. She has tried to be brave and strong for her baby sister.
But I see how sad she is. How she looks around, hoping to find the familiar and only seeing the foreign.
J and I have been used to moving and yes, it's painful, and yes we miss our friends and lives, but I never expected how hard this part was going to be as a parent.
I know it will just be a matter of weeks until she's used to her new reality. In fact, I have faith that she'll adapt much faster and more completely than we will. Friends reassure us that she won't even remember the move.
But that makes me saddest of all. Because if there is one thing that makes me okay with moving onto the next adventure is knowing that I hold in my heart all of the wonderful memories of the last place.
So I talk to the Bug about our home and how I miss it too. We're going to Skype her old nanny tomorrow. And we look at photos of the fun we had with our neighbors last week.
Because, yes, my heart aches with the same absence the Bug feels. But I don't want her to get over it by forgetting. I want her to move on with fond memory.